dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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