I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There's even glitter on my cock...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
