I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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