She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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