Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
