I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
my liver is dry heaving
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
