She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I need mimosas to revive my soul
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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