when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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