ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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