Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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