i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
