um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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