I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
