He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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