He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
third nipple confirmed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
