I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
