I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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