my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
