Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
