According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
