did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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