Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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