I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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