soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
