if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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