I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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