You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
