I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
