No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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