You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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