Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
