My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
