Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize