Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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