i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
