You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
