I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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