I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize