The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
