She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize