You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize