I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
