I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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