Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
