Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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