every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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