i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
