census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
