We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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