I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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