**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
