So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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