dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
