This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
