I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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