He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
