I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
