Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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