Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
