Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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