I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
