The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
