she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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