I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to have your abortion
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
