1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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