____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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